Fuck Mars Hill

Mark Driscoll, sack of shit

Mark Driscoll, sack of shit

Mars Hill – the culty, sexist, right-wing christian “mega-church” you may have heard referenced to in the past – has officially moved itself (and its 1,000+ person congregation) into its new downtown location – the Daniels Recital Hall on 5th and Marion.

The announcement for the move caught the attention of a number of people on Capitol Hill, not least of which The Stranger, when pastor Tim Gaydos mentioned that the church was excited to be close to a place with so many people affected with AIDS.

“By moving their congregation a scant one-third of a mile closer to Seattle’s Capitol Hill neighborhood, the Mars Hill Church is better able to target “AIDS victims” with charity work and the word of christ…” church spokesman Justin Dean told the Stranger’s Dominic Holdren in an interview.

They may be leaning more towards the word of christ, however, than any charity work. As it turns out, the only project they mentioned wanting to help out – Life Long AIDS Alliance – has yet to receive any volunteer applications from the homophobic churchgoers.

Indeed, it is a little difficult to imagine the church – who’s outspoken figurehead and cultish, control-freak leader believes even masturbation without a female present is “homosexual” – ever partnering with an organization which openly sports banners proclaiming the need for “Queer Young People’s Space” on their website.

They’re not fooling anyone.

In fact, its pretty obvious that what we can expect in the coming months will be the creepy church doing what creepy churches do best: trying to draw young kids into its new space by hosting “hip” music events (picture a group of Kirkland hipsters loading gear out of their moms minivan and you’ve pretty much got the picture), recruiting members to Facebook groups with names like “John Calvin is my homeboy,” and promoting their gross sermons.

But not just any gross sermons. I mean gross sermons inspired by none other than founder of the church, and future To Catch a Predator guest, Mark Driscoll.

A younger preacher who has gained fame within Christian circles for acknowledging that human beings have penises and vaginas, Drissy boy has a lot to say about sex, gender roles, whether “women should pursue men” (spoiler alert: they’re not allowed to), and a host of other topics.

Amongst his most ridiculous pronouncements to date have been that a wife must keep herself “sexually available” to her husband and that “jesus commands” that they give their husbands blow jobs, effeminate men should be publicly mocked, and members of the church are “sinning” when they question his authority.

So if you have to walk through the neighborhood frequently, prepare yourselves for encounters with these sick fucks. And if you identify any of them, make sure to let them feel welcome: tell the bastards you’re going to infect them with AIDS.